Dear Journalism Student

Dear Journalism Student,

I love your enthusiasm and your interest in my agency's work. I am so glad you came to me - little old uneducated me of all people! - to help you with your assignment: "Write a News Article About Something That Interests You".

I want to help you. Really, I do. But there are one or two tiny teeny little things you could do to make this arrangement between us just a tad better. I like to put them in a list - will that work for you too, sweetie?

1. Gosh, your story idea is very exciting! So exciting that it seems unfair not to share it with your whole tute group. What's that pumpkin? You already told some of them? Golly, that would explain why I've had three almost identical requests this week! Be a pet and try to keep the next one to yourself, won't you?
2. Even a cadet-trained journo like me knows how hard it is these days to get into a journalism course in an Australian uni - - wait! what's that? You're in Journalism/LAW?? A double degree? Wow, you must be SO smart. I bet that you're so smart they don't even care how you punctuate, do they? I'm so sorry to mention it, but I have this iddy biddy fetish about punctuation. Like, you know, I reckon it makes it possible to understand what you mean in writing. So, you clever-clogs, you'll get a lot further with me if you maybe ask a grown-up to check your apostrophes before you hit send on your email to me!
3. Those pesky lecturers! They just don't understand how hard it is for students, do they? I mean, sometimes they give you like, what? Only three weeks to come up with a 500 word article! Crikey. You see, when you're an old fogey like me you get used to having many deadlines in just one day. I totally understand how hard it is for you to get on top of all the demands on your time, but I worry, truly I worry that I just can't help you as well as I'd like when you only send me your 15 detailed questions about spurious subjects THE DAY BEFORE YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS DUE.
4. On those 15 questions, are they really all necessary? I'd hate to think your lecturer might doubt that you'd done the full quota of work required for your story - could she maybe think it had all been cobbled together from the answers I've provided you with no real effort on your part? Just concerned for you, little one.
5. And again with the 15 questions, there is an excellent chance you could have cut it down to three if you had maybe used the surprisingly efficient search function on the same website where you found my name and number... It's called 'research' and I know they don't teach you that until third year but it's never too early to build up brownie points with your tutors, you know!
6. Given you chose me and my agency for this very special, high profile thing we do every year in October, I'm wondering how much free time you think I have in September? Do the maths, honey, and call me in February.
7. Why would I need free time to answer your very special set of questions (your 'interview' as you endearingly call it in your email)? Well, that would be because my boss, he's such a sweetheart, actually pays me to answer questions from REAL journalists. Yeah, the ones you know as total sell-outs and lackeys of the capitalist running dogs. So, it sucks heaps, but I am afraid I have to give the professional journalists priority over your interview request. Bugger, hey? But listen, the upside is that, when you graduate and you totally sell-out, YOU get priority and that will be way cool, yes?
8. Citing an unsourced accusation and then asking me "What has (my agency) got to say about that?" is not really a great question. Chances are, my answer will be "Nothing" and then where are we? Back to that big awkward silence that you stammered through the first time I told you that you seemed to be confusing fact and hearsay... But keep trying, chicken, 'cause you nearly got me on "When did you stop beating your wife?"
9. While we're thinking about spurious subjects, can we please remember that I am Doing You A Favour? It's just not polite to ask me to criticise my own organisation while they're still paying me. But - just because you're so darn cute - I'm sure I can find you someone who's recently quit who will spill the beans. We shot John Lennon, you know.
10. Fuck off. Oops, did I say that out loud? Ok, you can quote me on that one.

mtc

Bec

(latest sulky blogstrike appears to be over, thanks for the cheer squad and I really sincerely hope none of you are journalism students. Because then I'd have to kill you.)